The Beginning of Everything Read online

  The

  Beginning

  of

  Everything

  Andrea J. Buchanan

  To Emi and Nate

  Contents

  Introduction

  PART ONE: The Fog

  PART TWO: A Mystery

  PART THREE: Floating

  PART FOUR: Insight

  PART FIVE: Rebound

  PART SIX: Year Zero

  Resources

  Further Reading And Listening

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  I lost my mind on the way to brunch one particularly bitter Sunday in March of 2015. It is a moment I return to over and over again: the wind biting at my face, my body sweaty with fever, my throat fiery with virus as I crossed the street, inhaled that March wind, and choked on it.

  There was a lot I was choking on that day. Sending my kids off for the weekend with their father, even though my son had woken up with a 103-degree fever, his face pink, curls filigreed to his cheeks and forehead. The dread of my own fever aching through me as I began sinking into sickness myself. The knot in my stomach of my divorce, the fighting and lawyering, a seemingly endless battle. The guilt of failing, as a partner, as a mother.

  And so I coughed as the wind sucked itself into me, lodging itself in my throat. I doubled over in the midst of the intersection, unable to escape the chokehold of the vicious tickle I couldn’t displace. At the time, my worry was that I would vomit on the street due to the cough’s intensity, and I remember feeling relieved when I was finally able to breathe again, to drink some water, to talk without my throat seizing up. I thought it was over.

  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  Because when I stood hunched over in the wind in the middle of the street, I also stood in the middle of a perfect confluence of events. Because when I coughed and coughed the wind out of my throat that day, when I choked on everything that was choking me that day, I also, somehow, ripped a small tear in my dura mater, the tough membrane covering my brain and spinal cord. But I didn’t know that yet. Instead, I crossed the street, wiped away the tears running down my face from the wind, walked to the restaurant with my friend and drank water and shivered through my fever and ate French toast, all completely unaware that at that moment, my cerebrospinal fluid was already beginning to leak out of the tiny, jagged tear somewhere along my thoracic spine.

  What followed was nine months of intractable pain and the inability to be upright for more than minutes at a time. A constant ache at the back of my head as my brain, no longer cushioned by a healthy waterbed of fluid, sank to the bottom of my skull. A confusion of neurological symptoms, of brain fog and cognitive impairment to the point where I couldn’t think, couldn’t write, couldn’t follow instructions or watch television or hold conversations or make sense of even the most basic concepts. At a time in my life when I needed to be as independent and autonomous and clear-thinking as possible—in the midst of a divorce after twenty years of marriage, with two teenaged children to shepherd through the upheaval of their lives and everything they’d come to depend on—I was trapped by my brain, stuck in bed, unable to do anything more than lie flat and stare at the ceiling and hope for sleep to edge out the pain that had become the defining characteristic of my consciousness.

  My diagnosis of spontaneous intracranial hypotension confounded the doctors I saw, none of whom could agree on where, precisely, this “brain leak,” as one of them had called it, might be located, or how to cure it. I floated through the fog from one specialist to another, enduring skepticism and condescension and strange, barbaric-seeming procedures, before finally arriving in North Carolina, at Duke University, where a team of neuroradiologists immediately recognized my constellation of symptoms and set about fixing me.

  As I began the long, slow process of recovery, and as my brain slowly began to return to me, finally cushioned by enough cerebrospinal fluid to float the way it should, all those cramped and squashed nerves stretching back to their previous form, I had a lot of time to think about what had happened. While it was happening, of course, I had only fleeting moments of lucidity: My world, during the leak, was pain, fog, uncertainty, frustration; but I couldn’t think much deeper than that. As I began to heal, I realized that my brain’s inability to function at any level other than the most basic had, ironically, helped me keep going during that time, as the existential terror of it all only began to fully sink in once I was able to think again.

  I kept trying to find ways to understand it, to go back in time and prevent it, to give it a narrative that made sense. All the stories I told myself were bound up in blame, in guilt, in personal culpability. Even though I recognized how powerless I was to control any of it—the tear in my dura, the regulation of my CSF fluid, the sinking of my brain—in the foggy chain of events I invented to explain myself, the only thing that made sense was some deficiency on my part, some simple thing I could have done, or not done, if only I’d been better, smarter, somehow more deserving. For surely I must have deserved this, it couldn’t be a mere accident that this accident happened now, in the midst of my ripping apart my family for something as insignificant and self-indulgent as my own happiness.

  And yet even my still-foggy brain, desperate for puzzle pieces that soothingly, predictably fit together, was aware of the fundamental self-indulgence of that narrative, and the ultimate futility of trying to trace back the source. What good would it do to understand the precise nature of the moment my body tore in some mysterious spot? Would it make me tougher once I realized the fragility of my own choices? Even if I could pinpoint the inciting incident, could absolving myself of the guilt knit up the frayed edges of my dura mater, fix me, heal me, make me a good mother?

  These thoughts were largely too large to grapple with in my still-foggy state. In hopeless moments of clarity, they would float to the surface, along with worries about how I would work if I never fully recovered, how I would survive making dinner for the kids that night, how I would live the rest of my life if it was going to be like this forever, and I would promptly fall asleep, the pain in my head a flat constant warning buzz, my brain too overwhelmed to think about itself any longer.

  But as my brain continued to heal, and as I began to find myself less trapped in my bed and more a commuter between the two worlds of the sick and the well, I found myself drawn to stories. True stories about science’s search for understanding of the brain’s capacity to heal itself; stories of early, technology-deprived adventurers pushing the brain to its limits in the thin air of Everest; the modern spiritual folktales of “mind over matter,” “thinking positive,” and “brain training”; the ancient tropes of fairy tales, making meaning out of suffering, solitude, and transformation. I wanted to know: Where was “I” when I wasn’t there? Who was I when I wasn’t “myself”? And who was I when I couldn’t think? The more I recovered, the more I was able to contemplate these questions, and eventually—gradually, slowly—I began to trust that it was, if not exactly safe to start depending on my brain again, important to reconnect myself to the world as surely as the pathways in my brain reconnected themselves. To get on with the ongoing business of living, which had never waited for me to catch up to it. To stop dreading the seemingly inevitable return of the pain and fog, the clouding of my brain no medical professional could assure me with 100 percent certainty would never happen again. I found myself instead on the other side of the divide: divorced, instead of divorcing; healing, while being mindful of the time I spent unwell. The questions of self and agency and autonomy still haunt me, even as now I have begun to move through the world again and take everything for granted. But I have come to understand that, whether or not the leak returns, wheth
er or not the me that is me is truly the me I understand it to be—this is who I am. A woman standing, leaning into the wind, just like that cold day in March, in the midst of my life, in the middle of an intersection of body and mind and circumstance and history, and maybe even fate.

  PART ONE

  The Fog

  Spontaneous intracranial hypotension is an uncommon but not rare cause of new onset daily persistent headaches. A delay in diagnosis is the norm. Women are affected more commonly than men and most are in the fifth or sixth decade of life. The underlying cause is a spontaneous spinal cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak. Typically the headache is orthostatic in nature but other headache patterns occur as well. Associated symptoms are common and include neck pain, a change in hearing, diplopia, facial numbness, cognitive abnormalities and even coma. Typical imaging findings consist of subdural fluid collections, pachymeningeal enhancement, pituitary hyperaemia and brain sagging, but magnetic resonance imaging may be normal. Myelography is the study of choice to identify the CSF leak but is not always necessary to make the diagnosis. Treatment consists of bedrest, abdominal binder, epidural blood patching, percutaneous fibrin glue injection or surgical CSF leak repair. Outcomes have been poorly studied.

  —Wouter I. Schievink, “Spontaneous spinal cerebrospinal fluid leaks,” Cephalalgia, 2008

  1

  I am an unreliable narrator.

  And yet, here in the doctor’s office, it is required of me to tell my story.

  Where does it hurt? Does the pain change? When did this start?

  These are valid questions, but attempting to answer them, attempting to explain from the inside out, seems impossible. At first because the pain is so distracting, a softball-sized hit to the base of my skull, my hands perpetually massaging it at the back of my head, as though it could be possible to ease it out physically, if only my fingers were strong enough.

  And then because, after a time, after so much constant pain, it becomes impossible to think at all. Words float away from me, simple questions cloak themselves in impenetrable meaning, I find myself lost in the long pauses I find compulsory to take when answering things like “How long do the headaches last?” or “How many days a month do you have a headache?” or “When did this start?”

  And then of course because my narration is suspect. You will have to believe me when I say that it is hard for me to be believed, that I say “headache” and the doctor writes down “migraine,” even though I have no history of migraine; that I describe my symptoms and am asked, a knowing nod, an eyebrow raised, “How old are you again, 43?”; that I present my history and find myself met with skepticism about the veracity of my reporting.

  Have you tried ibuprofen? Have you tried caffeine? Have you tried meditation? Deep breathing? Vitamin D?

  What they are really asking is, Have you tried not being a 43-year-old woman in the midst of a divorce?

  It’s a headache, I’m a woman. How is this a mystery?

  “When did this start?” is the hardest question to answer. It should be the easiest, because how else do you start telling a story except at the beginning? I see now the advantage of fairy tales, of the old stories that begin in the far-off haze of “Once upon a time,” because who can say definitively when the start of anything was? When the earth cooled? When the universe was born? Trying to find the inciting event is like trying to trace back the decay of my marriage: Was there even a starting point? Is there one specific, defining moment in time I can point to and understand, yes, that was it, that was where it fell apart, that was the moment everything became inevitable? Or is it more cumulative, small moments snowballing into a cascade of insurmountable differences? And if it’s that, then would it have even been possible to stop it, to catch one hurtling snowball of a moment and thus prevent the avalanche? Could I have saved myself from either of these things?

  “When did it start?” is the hardest question to answer, because I don’t even know what it is.

  I could say March 21, 2015, around 10:30 A.M., because that’s when I had the coughing fit.

  I could say about a week after that, because that’s when I first started to realize that the sneaking, nagging headache was becoming something constant and unrelenting.

  But I could also say any moment of any day of any year.

  The day I sat at the keys of a concert grand, my ten-year-old hands frozen for a moment as the audience waited expectantly, my pedal foot shaking, my heart racing, my mind, for a terrible moment, entirely blank just before the second I closed my eyes and my fingers began playing the sonata that I was sure, up until then, I couldn’t remember. The day I walked by myself at night, in the Boston winter, as a teenager, and was followed into a store by a man who lingered, shadowing me, until I whispered tearfully to a kindly clerk, who kicked him out and escorted me home. The day my first ever piano was delivered to me, my engagement ring, a gift from my husband-to-be, the sun streaming through the skylights of our loft, and me standing there, thinking How do I deserve this? The day I held my newborn daughter, her drowsy baby breath in my ear still catching on hiccupy sobs as I paced the hallway of our apartment, bouncing with every step, patting her gently, easing her into sleep. The day I cried so hard after a fight with my husband, my eyes puffed shut. The day I walked off a bus and into a hailstorm, ice pellets hitting me, leaving round purple-green marks I would only discover days later, ghosts of the storm. The day I slept off a fever. The day I pushed myself through a fever. The day I was born. The day, months before I was born, when the thick membrane covering my spinal cord and brain was formed, the connective tissue connecting itself, but only thinly in this one small place that might not even matter unless I one day had a fever, left the house, went to breakfast, coughed. The day some secret was whispered to my body, the time bomb placed, the disgruntled fairy’s curse destined to come to pass, no matter how many spinning wheels are burned, no matter what steps are taken to avoid it. Any of these days could have been the day this all started, that this burgeoning thing inside me swelled, that my cerebrospinal fluid surged and my dura strained and the one thin spot became thinner, until the day it thinned so precisely it was possible for the truth to leak out.

  Not everything is an epiphany. You can’t always know the precise moment you fall in love, or out of love, or when the creeping sensation you feel becomes a solid, present pain. Things happen in aggregate, they accrete. Signs accumulate until suddenly it is impossible to not see them as anything except inevitable, omnipresent. They have somehow, suddenly, always existed.

  And yet I recognize this impulse, this tracing and retracing, this quest to make reliable my unreliable narration, as a way to locate this within me, literally within me, within my control, and thus within my power to change it.

  I cannot change it.

  “When did this start?” is the hardest question to answer, because of how it is twinned for me with its ghost question: What did you do to cause this? And the answer to that is that I coughed, and also that I had a fever, and also that I fell out of love, and also that I became unhappy, and also that I wasn’t able to overcome my unhappiness, and also that I wasn’t able to save my marriage, and also that I failed, and so when I try to answer the question “When did this start?” I am also trying to answer the questions How did I let this happen? and Why couldn’t I just be happy? and What can I do to undo this? and If I think hard enough to find my way back to the beginning, will that be enough to break the spell, undo this curse, right this wrong, make everything whole again?

  “When did this start?” the doctor asks, and I say, “March, probably March, end of March.”

  2

  There are a lot of things you can do, it turns out, while leaking cerebrospinal fluid.

  You can take a fifteen-year-old to a Twitter meet-up of fifty Ariana Grande fans, as long as you find a comfortable chair in the hotel lobby and slump down as far as you can to be as close to horizontal as possible, waving off the other parents with vague excuses about a migraine, even
though it’s not a migraine, because that seems the quickest way to get people to both understand and to leave you alone, clutching the back of your head where a lump of pain has taken over the back right base of your skull.

  You can serve on a jury, as long as you will yourself to not lie down on the courtroom floor, even though you mentioned to the judge that you had a something like a migraine, but that wasn’t enough to excuse you, and so it turns out you can sit up and hold the back of your head and listen to a very new lawyer extract relevant info from his very clueless client, who seems so unfamiliar with the details of his own case it seems possible that he, too, might be leaking cerebrospinal fluid, and then eat a tuna sandwich with the other jurors and find for the defendant.

  A few weeks after that, you can agree with your husband that it’s time to tell your kids that you are getting divorced, even though by this point you can’t really sit up anymore, because being upright brings on the relentless back-of-skull headache, and even when you lie flat in bed the world seems tipsy, you feel tipsy, that sense of drunken confidence flooding you even as you’re aware you might not be saying things the way you meant to, and you can’t not cry when your daughter turns away and starts texting her friends, when you ask your son if he has any questions and he says “Yes. Can you not get divorced?”, when your head hurts so much the pain is all you have room for and you can’t absorb theirs the way you’d planned to before, when your brain was all yours.

  You can do things like this because at this point you don’t know you’re leaking cerebrospinal fluid, you don’t fully know what’s going on, and you have yet to realize what a problem that is, because the thing you use to think with is the very thing that’s problematic.

  The problem you have, when you have a problem with your brain, is that your brain doesn’t necessarily realize that it’s having a problem. It keeps trying to strategize, rationalize, keep you in motion. It keeps supplying you with ideas, convincing you with plausible excuses, explanations. Like: You’re fine! See how normal you feel when you stay completely still and flat and close your eyes and don’t move? Just keep doing that! Or: People have headaches all the time! Go ahead and cook dinner, just take breaks by lying on the floor, that’s a smart solution! You got this!